He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
