I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
