He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
