Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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