I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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