last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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