I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
The uberlube is also flammable
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
