I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
