Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
