Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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