I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
