sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
