Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
why does every cop we meet know your name?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
