I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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