I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
