It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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