home. puking in laundry basket.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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