I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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