Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....