Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
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I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
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There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?