Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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