you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
