the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
