I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
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