My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My penis needs a shock collar
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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