I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
