I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i already hear my dad disowning me
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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