Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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