No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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