do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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