I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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