Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
