I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
