Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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