Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
