just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
