The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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