Jerry, you need to find god
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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