I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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