I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
