I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
