i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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