I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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