so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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