this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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