just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i think i have herpe
just one?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
how drunk are you?
Several
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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