Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
