Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
