my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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