Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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