I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
