Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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