Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
