So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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