Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
