at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
