Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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