Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
