Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
