I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
