So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
